It is felt

Ever since the beginning, the girl's family disagreed  to her relationship with the boy. Due to the pressure applied by the family members, she frequently quarreled with him. And the boy, just silently, allowed her to continuously release her anger on him.

Later the boy graduated from university. He planned to study further overseas, but before he left, he proposed to the girl. 
"I don't know how to say nice words, but I do know, I love you. If you agree, I'm willing to take care of you, the whole life. About your family members, I will work hard to convince them and get them to agree with us." 

Looking at the honesty of efforts shown by the boy, both the girl and her parents agreed. Before the boy could go overseas, they performed the engagement. The girl stayed back in the hometown, and the boy continued his studies abroad. They maintained their relationship through telephone and letters.

One day, the girl met with an accident. As she regained consciousness in the hospital, surrounded by her parents, she realized how seriously she was hurt & how fortunate she was to be still alive. Looking at her parents in a flood of tears, she attempted to comfort them, but only to know that she had become mute due to the accident. According to the doctors, the injury had affected a portion of her brain & that had made her mute & she will be so, for the rest of her life.

Later, the girl got discharged from the hospital. But she could never come out of her depression. Returning to her home, everything seemed like it was before; but every time  the phone rang, she went through her worst nightmares. She decided not to be a burden to the boy. 

So, she wrote a letter to the boy telling him, that the relationship between them is over. She even returned the engagement ring. Letters kept pouring from the boy, but they just managed to cause tears in hers. She was not ready to change her minds.

Her father decided to help her to move on with her life. He put her in classes to learn the sign language. He encouraged her to start  life all over again. One day the girl's best friend informed her that the boy is back, & he has been searching her all around. For more than a year, there was no news of the boy. One day, her best friend told her that the boy is getting married soon, and passed the wedding card, but she found her name on the card.

Before she could ask her friend anything, the boy appeared in front of her. In sign language, he told her, " I have spent more than a year to learn sign language. I have not forgotten the promise. Give me an opportunity, & I'm willing to take of you, the whole life. Let me be your voice."

Her tears turned into a smile. His smile turned into tears. After all, love is not heard. It is felt.

With love,
Swathi Mohan
(Investing myself completely in the art of living)

Withered Rose

Where did you elude?
I'm with you in the past, 
Future I'm in a void, 
which do I fit in?
Past or future?

The yellow path, ecstatic path, 
Turned blue, susceptible of you,
I feel tattered , how
can you make me feeble, 
In a chaos like this!

Eternity is what awaits,
To cut through, 
You in my head, 
Twisting & turning
Like lava in earth
Awaits to burst open.

Life ravenous to resurface
Like the thousand memories with you,
Long forgotten in our fights,
A line of magic,
Regret not telling you one before,

With love,

Swathi Mohan

(Investing myself completely in the art of living)

Perceptions-White or Grey?

I was really excited. I always am, whenever I have to begin a new painting. The theme I was on seemed so appealing that I found it difficult to sleep. When anything creative happens, I would never stop the perennial flow. So always, enthusiastically I got up that very moment, took a brush and started to paint. I was aiming for a transparent, sparkling white robe for my Buddha…white simplifying purity, with no split in his conscience. I moved a little back admire the colour, but wait!

Where is that dazzling white? What I could see was a very very light grey. I checked the tube again. It was a brand new flake white. I painted on a new area, but still, it was same light grey.

Since I could not paint till I got a new white, thought of returning to another painting which I was doing the previous day. As I took the brush dipped in black, suddenly I realised my mistake, I immediately took a new brush with the same white colour on it. This time it was dazzling in its full brightness on the canvas.

Actually, the problem was never with the white colour but was with my brush. It was not washed properly. Hence it had the little traces of that black colour in it. The moment I recognized what had actually happened, I realized something other too.

We do carry perceptions about people and so many times miss what they actually are becoming. Like me, they are too correcting themselves. 

And I made up my mind strong that my interactions today will not carry traces of yesterday's colours.

Hope today is as much a new beginning for you to feel white about yourself, nothing grey!

With smiles...

Swathi Mohan

(Investing myself completely in the art of living)

Snakes and ladders

The universe has no special favourites. If we open our eyes consciously & look around, we will realise that whatever we have experienced, experiencing may have been our fellow being's experience yesterday or will be our neighbour's experience tomorrow. Right?

Human life is really strange, mysterious, paradoxical and uncertain. The heartrending and painful cry of "why me?", comes naturally to every one of us, it seems.

A few months ago, I had merely the worst part of my life. It was a pain meet like a parent's meet!

 And above all agony, it really pains when you see your mother weeping out of pain. Yeah, she suffered from later stages of Adenomyosis. So, we admitted her to a prestigious multi speciality hospital in Chennai. Almost, we had been there for a month merely.

But that One month, meant a lot to me & I never thought I would be writing this; at least this is what that each day there put me into. 

As all the deluxe and single rooms were engaged, we had no way than to opt for a semi-private room. And that I would see as a blessing in a disguise. 

The woman in the immediately followed bed was as old beyond a natural lifespan and paying the price. While her heart beats stubbornly within her pigeon chest, her skin was so fragile it ruptures on anything more than the softest of touches. The open eyes were not focused but moved randomly, white, obscured with cataracts so completely that I could not tell her eye colour. Her hair was wispy over a scalp that shows signs of pressure sores, pink from the constant contact with pillow or chair.  Since the doctor came to assess her, I raised my voice and called her "Paati Paati, can you hear me? After no reaction, the doctor then smiled at me told that she was still in there alright, just deaf and blind. 

I was devoid of my reactions. 

And in the bed being directly across our bed, a young woman was trying to open her eyes slowly after a quiet time she was under wakefulness. Amidst, I heard a sudden loud cry of a boy. I turned back instantly where I saw a boy, bandaged from head to toe. He was whimpering in pain. His eyes spoke of a terror that I could only imagine but had never experienced. There was blood on his forehead and he kept saying, “Amma Amma”, but no mother ran to nurse his wounds or coo comforting words to the wounded seven-year-old. Not that she didn’t want to, but she couldn’t. She was battling for her own life in the ICU of the same hospital. I was horrified by what I saw.

And that young woman held my hand that made me inattentive from the little boy crying. It seemed like, she has something to tell me. And I let a plastic smile on her. Plastic smile! Yes. I was totally broken with all that happened there. 

She pointed the bottle at the terminal of short, the small plastic tube that tracked from her vein. Some intravenous fluids were directed as drips. It was about to over, that she wanted me to inform the nurse. I smiled again and said, "okay, wait!"

"I was talking about the...", she said in a soft, shallow voice. 

"What?", I said and went near her bed and sat.

"I was talking about the cornerstone of our very existence, 'the DNA' to a panel of eminent scientists. I was deeply engrossed in my presentation and that was when I felt like urinating. Yeah, it was around 1 a.m.! Fooled by the woolgathering, I woke up to nature's call. And that was when 'the pain' started to crawl....slowly towards my loins. It was very excruciating. I have  rough experiences of the renal calculi(Kidney stones in medical terms)."

She continued.

"You could never imagine what these tiny monsters could do when they take this journey from kidney to ureter. I could not find the emergency tablet I was trying to stay calm amidst the unimaginable pain, I didn't want to wake my parents at an odd hour like that. All my attempts to the washroom were an utter failure, but it did succeed in waking up my father from his sound sleep. And its all the story I got admitted here", she said.

I let a smile, not plastic now!

Since I stayed there in the hospital for last two days, my sister replaced me for taking care of mom and so I and Appa left. And that night, when I went to bed, myriad horrendous images kept playing into my mind until I finally found comfort with my Appa's words. 

"Why, why, why, Appa, why is there so much suffering??" 

I cried and cribbed telling him all that was not okay that day.

He held my hand in his warm and said, "Pain is a consequence, but suffering is your choice."

Not understanding what he meant, I looked at him indigently. He smiled and said, "Pleasure is when everything is going your way. Pain is something that is not going the way you wanted it. So the question should have n't been, "why there is so much suffering?"....It should have been," how can I ensure that even though there is the pain, there is no suffering?"

Thoroughly confused I stared at him. He stared back at me until I finally started giggling and said, "Okay, now please explain it all"

"You see...", he started.

"Ladders are the times when things go exactly the way you want them to and you find yourself, literally 'on the top'. Snakes are the variety of problems that come to bite you just when you think life is all beautiful.

The snake in your life could be a heart attack, cancer or paralysis. The snake in your life can be a divorce, death of a loved one or not having enough fulfilling relationships surrounding you. 

The snake could even be self-created emotions like jealousy, hatred or low self-esteem or it could be being in debt, business plans backfiring or simply never having enough money to do all that you want. 

Of course, it could be external catastrophes such as natural and man-made disasters. Yes, the snakes come in various shapes and sizes, & bite you just when you think you have got it all figured out. But tell me, how boring life would be if there are ladders and ladders only?

For, while ladders make you feel good about yourself. But, it's the snakes that challenge you to improve yourself-  explore a new thought & grow. It's the snakes that give you the thrill of reaching the finish in spite of them biting you all along the way. Snakes add excitement to the life.

Snakes tell you that there is something wrong with the way you were going- rethink, re-plan & set off once again. Snakes reveal you to yourself."

There must have been some understanding, some comprehension of all that was being said reflected in my eyes. He smiled and continued.

"When life throws a challenge at you- it's its own way of checking whether you have evolved or not.Your old pattern of thinking and self-beliefs brought you this snake- but are you willing to change them and climb a higher ladder is your evolution. Imagine life being a school. After the seventh standard, why were you promoted to eight standards? Imagine if you were to continue being in the seventh standard for years, would it be exciting?

You would know the portion by heart & even if each year, you would top the class, wouldn't there be a desire to evolve? To grow? To go to the nest standard? To test yourself with a newer challenge, more difficult sums, more unknown experiences?

Then why not with life?

I know that it pains him more than me since the woman I have been worrying about is his "wife". But still, he convinces me. And it has been his habitual action to make me wonder at him with awe.

"However bad the traffic jam, maybe, eventually we will reach home.", he said smiling and switched off the lights and went out. 

I slept with a conclusion that life beyond the imaginary finishing line is and will be beautiful.

With smiles...
Swathi Mohan
(Investing myself completely in the art of living)

Dreams

Last weekend was not as habitual as like before. It was the very rare "busy" occasion of my life. Sometimes it really seems very funny when I think that I was busy with something in my life. Yes! I was actively engaged in the design of omnidirectional antenna which covers 10-20 Km from its circumferent. Well, it wasn't my engineering project!

In between, I heard my sister's voice screaming, "where the hell she is....". 

The whole lot of books I mounted on my bookshelf have fallen on her head for continuous 2-3 minutes. I instantly put off everything thing and went out to enjoy the scenario.

After that delighting scenario, I slowly let my hand and said, "Why did you go there. Don't you know that it is a menacing part of our home." She glared and I just couldn't control my laugh. She got up and ran to the kitchen to complain this unplanned "layout" to mom. This sought of grumbling, she never fails to do even at her tough times. As she triggered amma, she started her stories. It went on for no less than twenty minutes from then, even after I kept shut myself in my room. 

Eventually, she came into my room with a pile of paper and told me to check out so that she can replace those with onions. She has been telling that since my exams were over and now this stupid girl triggered. I looked at her with a congenial consent and asked, "Should it be done right away? I'm wrapped up with this antenna design now!".

She was having a solid and shouted, "Yes you should now!. If not now, I know it will never happen. Do it now I say".

"Okay two minutes", I sought. She glared again.

After some twenty minutes, I checked it for anything important. There I found a paper and stunned. Of course, it was n't a paper engraved with gold or home document. But it was very special to me.

Some two years back, I had doodled something on it. I had dashed off what all I wanted to do within the course of time, I would complete my engineering. Well, all that had filled the space called "passion" of my life.

Yeah. Indeed. I scribbled but did that with full determination and then kept this paper somewhere in my cupboard. I ever looked at this paper later.

And today I look at it with excitement because I have made it all. Everything has happened in a time-bound manner & now it has incorporated in me a lot of confidence.

I'm never a kind of person who plans work & does it accordingly. I'm never so formal in such aspects of my life.Anyways, what I wanted to conclude is, 

"The sun's rays do not burn until brought to a focus &
  Dreams need only focus".

With smiles...

Swathi Mohan

(Investing myself completely in the art of living)